Friday 18 October 2013

What makes single people stay single? Guest post

This is a guest post from one of my friends. He is single and come to the point that he wonder why he is still single and wrote this post. Comments and opinion are really welcome. I think this post is very interested and we would love to hear how do you think. Do you agree? or not? or would you like to add something else. :)

Many people find relationships, and if that relationship doesn't work out, they find someone else within, say, a year. Then there are others that don't get into a relationship for years. Many years. Maybe the odd interest here and there but nothing solid for a very long time.

I am one of those people. So I start to wonder, "Am I normal?" and "What am I doing wrong?" I also have been friends with people who have also been single for a loooong time--both guys and girls.

I'm writing this blog post to try to start the conversation on what, if any, is the difference between someone who is able to get into a relationship easily and someone who isn't. The result is, maybe there are some things about myself that I need to change.

I have theories about why some people are still single. These are just my thoughts; I have not confirmed them with any psychologist. (I am also speaking only of heterosexual relationships).

a) Too shy. Living by the motto "nothing ventured, nothing lost" rather than the preferred "nothing ventured, nothing gained". Over-analyzing rather than just asking. Worried that they will say no, so don't even bother trying. Worried too much about making things awkward if you break up. Worried about losing a friendship if it doesn't work out.

b) No flirting. Not even kind-of flirting. Conversations are completely platonic. I think that even some mild flirting makes others of the opposite sex see you in a different light; how you might act with a significant other. If everything is either just small talk or stated as matter-of-fact then it's as good as talking to someone of the same gender.

c) Too private. Never being vulnerable enough to say how you really feel (except to your closest same-sex friends). Never letting friends see the real you. Just putting on a face, just say "fine" when people ask how you are doing.

d) Not confident. Not believing you are worthy of another's affection. Defeated before even trying.

e) Too self absorbed. Not taking enough interest in others. Not asking the deeper followup question. Just listening enough to hear the break in the conversation when you can start talking. Too many sentences with the word "I" and not enough with the word "you".

f) Too non-committal. Only showing up sometimes. Answering only with "maybe". Never giving a firm "yes" or "no". Or worse, bailing after you said you were going. Avoiding signing up in case something better comes along. And then showing up anyway unannounced because there was nothing better.

g) Too unavailable. Hard to get ahold of. Not involved in social media. Takes coaxing to come to social gatherings. No cell phone or a phone that is always off. Doesn't check email or texts very often. Unresponsive to voicemail.

h) Too picky. Dismissing the thought of a relationship before it even starts. Perhaps "the list" for the ideal person very long or very rigid. Perhaps dismissing really great people before they have a chance to show the really cool side of themselves.

i) Girls: too bold, Guys: not enough spine. A very bold and forthright girl can intimidate a guy and even hurt his confidence. And spineless guy doesn't know what he wants or where he's going and will bend to whatever the girl wants. From my observations, girls want a guy who is a confident leader who knows where he's going in life. Someone that a girl can come along side of and join in the adventure.

I see myself in a lot of these points. More than I would like. Step one is recognizing that which may be holding me back. Step two is doing something about it.


  1. Join clubs(book),take golf lessons or photography classes.Just going out,besides a club or bar and doing things you like or enjoy doing and you will meet someone.
    Lynn M

  2. If it hadn't been for meeting someone at work (while in my 30's and with a couple of very long relationships behind me) I still would be single and would not have thought there was anything wrong with me.I never thought that marriage was for me and didn't look for it. So try not to over analyse the 'problem'

  3. Dont go looking for it,it will come to you when your ready.
    Lynn M

  4. For me to find love,I had to change what I was looking for,from the fun to the serious man.
    Lynn M

  5. Joining clubs,volunteer and groups or a baseball community league.
    Lynn M

  6. Wow that is a thorough evaluation of your situation. I think you should be comfortable with yourself and if you are ok being alone that is great. I have a brother who is in his late 40s, a great guy and he is alone. If you wish to find a partner, do your best to put yourself in places where you might meet the right one. There will be one out there for you. I do agree with the point about girls being too bold and guys soft.

  7. Your writing provides lots of food for thought. I think that if you want a relationship you have to be open to it, but at the same time be happy with yourself - don't feel that you HAVE to have a relationship to be happy.


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