Many people find relationships, and if that relationship doesn't work out, they find someone else within, say, a year. Then there are others that don't get into a relationship for years. Many years. Maybe the odd interest here and there but nothing solid for a very long time.
I am one of those people. So I start to wonder, "Am I normal?" and "What am I doing wrong?" I also have been friends with people who have also been single for a loooong time--both guys and girls.
I'm writing this blog post to try to start the conversation on what, if any, is the difference between someone who is able to get into a relationship easily and someone who isn't. The result is, maybe there are some things about myself that I need to change.
I have theories about why some people are still single. These are just my thoughts; I have not confirmed them with any psychologist. (I am also speaking only of heterosexual relationships).
a) Too shy. Living by the motto "nothing ventured, nothing lost" rather than the preferred "nothing ventured, nothing gained". Over-analyzing rather than just asking. Worried that they will say no, so don't even bother trying. Worried too much about making things awkward if you break up. Worried about losing a friendship if it doesn't work out.
b) No flirting. Not even kind-of flirting. Conversations are completely platonic. I think that even some mild flirting makes others of the opposite sex see you in a different light; how you might act with a significant other. If everything is either just small talk or stated as matter-of-fact then it's as good as talking to someone of the same gender.
c) Too private. Never being vulnerable enough to say how you really feel (except to your closest same-sex friends). Never letting friends see the real you. Just putting on a face, just say "fine" when people ask how you are doing.
d) Not confident. Not believing you are worthy of another's affection. Defeated before even trying.
e) Too self absorbed. Not taking enough interest in others. Not asking the deeper followup question. Just listening enough to hear the break in the conversation when you can start talking. Too many sentences with the word "I" and not enough with the word "you".
f) Too non-committal. Only showing up sometimes. Answering only with "maybe". Never giving a firm "yes" or "no". Or worse, bailing after you said you were going. Avoiding signing up in case something better comes along. And then showing up anyway unannounced because there was nothing better.
g) Too unavailable. Hard to get ahold of. Not involved in social media. Takes coaxing to come to social gatherings. No cell phone or a phone that is always off. Doesn't check email or texts very often. Unresponsive to voicemail.
h) Too picky. Dismissing the thought of a relationship before it even starts. Perhaps "the list" for the ideal person very long or very rigid. Perhaps dismissing really great people before they have a chance to show the really cool side of themselves.
i) Girls: too bold, Guys: not enough spine. A very bold and forthright girl can intimidate a guy and even hurt his confidence. And spineless guy doesn't know what he wants or where he's going and will bend to whatever the girl wants. From my observations, girls want a guy who is a confident leader who knows where he's going in life. Someone that a girl can come along side of and join in the adventure.
I see myself in a lot of these points. More than I would like. Step one is recognizing that which may be holding me back. Step two is doing something about it.